July 2011
25 posts
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“Until then I’m just going to sit here inhaling the perfume off of my...”
– DM
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Unzip. Unhook. Step out.
It is the same race everyday; to get it all as far away as possible. The itch to take off my day starts on the drive home. Keys. Door. Shoes. Stairs. Jeans. Shirt. Tank top. Hair up. It’s like I can feel the pieces of my day, my life, clinging to me as it goes on. Receipts and bouquet ribbon on my hands. The phone ringing in my hair. Traffic wrinkling my clothes. Customers under my...
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Lights, Camera, Inhale.
Ryan once told me that he was infatuated with people’s dark sides; followed by numerous ideas of incest, death, regret and heartbreak. I can understand that. But it wasn’t until he put it that way that I could finally put into words what I’ve been intrigued by for so long: people’s light sides.
Not the sides that we put in the spotlight, but the genuine light. The...
I don’t know about tomorrow, but today I love my body. And not just my body, but what I embody. I love my singing voice and I’m so grateful for my hair, and skin, and freckles. My eyelashes. How I’m symmetrical and soft. That I can walk, speak and am comfortable. If my mom could use a mirror like in “Beauty and the Beast” and see me in my life, how kindly I treat...
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Hunched Shoulders
Over a month since I’ve written. I wish I could hold this up to my heart and have it speak for itself. Using my words to depict the intricate tangle of feelings and nuances makes it seem like something other than it is. Because it’s not like I’m sad. And Heartbroken. Optimistic. Ecstatic, or even mellow. The words stretch what is happening. But I am tired. I feel like that game...
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Birth mom. Body hate.
I can feel it all coming down, now. I can feel it creeping back. It’s the way that getting hungry is terrifying. Because then I have to make a choice. I have to keep living. It brings me face to face with all the bad decisions my mind thinks I’ve already made. The way my old clothes don’t fit, and maybe I tried them on today because I knew they wouldn’t. Because today...
coldtangerines asked: I loved the body image video. so powerful! <3
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curvy-isthenewblack asked: Congratulations hun! Lovely work!
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And all at once it crashed. Fuck you for dragging me into this and spinning webs around me and making me smile. I didn’t want this. This mess. I told you from the beginning that I didn’t want to. That these things always end in pain. Especially when we can see the end of the tracks.
I just want to know how guys do it. How they dance and don’t get dizzy. How they move on without...
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Osmosis.
I guess I just have a hard time believing that someone can come into your life so swiftly, attach so effortlessly, then be gone for good. It just can’t happen that way. I won’t believe it.
I was so careful. Because I knew what would happen. I knew he was leaving in September.
I didn’t know shit.
Maybe the thing that I didn’t realize is that just because you aren’t...
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Sensitive Naked.
Dear Gabe,
I just want you to know that I’ve always wanted someone like you. I didn’t want you so soon, though. So really, I’m a little relieved that you’re leaving. I got my out. I’m always looking for an out. If I were to be honest with you then I would tell you that yes, I’m confident in who I am, just like I told you, but that doesn’t mean I always...
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The Morning After
And just like any other time, waking up is the worst. I dreamed about him and all over again I don’t know how to get dressed. I don’t know how other mornings happened. Thank god we didn’t go for the full summer. Thank god I didn’t get to hear him say one more nerve tickling thing, because every second of his wrapping around me would be another sting. Another “try and...
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2-1=1.
I turned Gabe down. We made dinner. We kissed. We ate dinner. We kissed a little more. I stopped him. I told him from the beginning that I wasn’t that girl. I didn’t tease. He didn’t push. I knew that I wasn’t that girl in his eyes, either. He leaves for basic training in two months and I can’t help but wonder, all over again, why this shit happens. Why the timing is...
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The way you look tonight.
A year ago today I quit dieting. The compulsion. Putting myself on hold. Content at my 172 lbs (but still secretly hating myself and wishing to lose more) I let go of all of it. Armed with my Geneen Roth books, I let go of calories. Scarfing bowls of cereal while standing in the kitchen, hiding. I remember the feeling of that day, feeling like everything in the world was good. Like the two year...
