“All I ask is one thing, and I’m asking this particularly of young people: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism, for the record, it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.”—Conan O’Brien (via quote-book)
If I knew then what I know now I think I wouldn’t know what to do with all of it. It wouldn’t matter. The same way I know that it’s probably a good idea to save money, not watch the computer screen so much, and tell people how I really feel…I still don’t always do it. We learn things when we really need them. Knowledge has a way of sitting around.
Because let’s be honest, if ten years ago someone told me the things I know now, I would politely nod that way I do today when someone tells me to wear more sunscreen and open up a Roth IRA.
The grand vision of myself was this: The girl who didn’t get mad when her boyfriend didn’t call. The girl who did what she was told gracefully. The girl who laughed at herself. The girl who was so herself, and adored by all. The girl who never got angry. The girl who never got grumpy. The girl who never said things that were out of line. The girl who never took low blows. The girl who always made the right choices. The girl who never made anyone mad. The girl who didn’t take people for granted. The girl who learned it all before she had to experience it. The girl who never looked stupid, and if she did, it was beautiful. The girl who had it all. The girl who didn’t expect anything. The girl who didn’t lie. The girl who did the right thing. The girl that treated everybody kindly, every minute, even after the longest day of work. The girl who never got pleasure from thinking about revenge. The girl who was funny and never outspoken. Well dressed but not materialistic. Worldly but accessible. Knowledgeable but not didactic. Right and not wrong. Humble but not degrading. Modest but not worthless.
I have been playing perfect.
No wonder I’m up to my eyeballs in compulsion- I’ve been denying myself the one basic truth about myself; That I am human.
I can be a bitch, and I can be an angel. I can be irrational and calm and a good cook.
“I like to see people reunited, I like to see people run to each other, I like the kissing and the crying, I like the impatience, the stories that the mouth can’t tell fast enough, the ears that aren’t big enough, the eyes that can’t take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone.”—Jonathan Safran Foer (via kari-shma)
“It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more manhood (or womanhood) to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.”—Alex Karras (via littlemiss)
My horoscope for today says my eyes have adjusted to the dark, and have accepted it. It says I’ve given up. Did I even know things used to be different? Did I realize I’ve been wallowing in mud pits? Was I ever going to question it?
Given up? I gave up. It talks about acceptance- settling. Worthiness. Did I even know I’ve been living in a dirty, grotesque, disease-redden mind? Accepting inhumane conditions. Scum. Trying to shine by scrubbing with muck?
Adam might take me out. I can already feel the obligation. Before he called I felt rejected. I saw Erik set up his red flags. Adam might be good. He turn out to be wonderful, for all I know- Erik, don’t you know that I want you so badly?
There’s a scene in the polar express when ice covers part of the tracks and the train skids over them before flailing out of control. The tracks are visible, taunting. Even if the train were to skid precisely over the tracks you could feel the difference; something being off. Going through motions. I miss being on my tracks. I think I gave up more recently than I thought.
A girl who respects herself feeds herself the best of her means, sitting, breathing, savoring. She doesn’t settle for lowlife scumbags. Unwashed hands and skin shavings, blood and grainy tub. Cheep grease and fluorescent candy. Grime, grease, and dirty laundry.