April 2011
57 posts
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Q: Why do you want this?
A: I want to feel better. I want to curl up in chairs. I want to feel confident. To feel more crevices. To see the shape of my body. For the form. To move more freely. For my clothes to fit better. To look better in my clothes.
I am a size 12 by May 25th, 2011.
My therapist talks about the crux; the feeling that this is the best offer I will ever get. He says it’s inaccurate. We talk about self respect, settling, and saying no. My heart is scared. It trembles and cries. I hear you little guy, and I’m trying. When am I going to change? When will things stick? When will I stop eating to comfort my self hate? I read today that a study was done...
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4.22.2011
Tonight my Tigers beat the White Sox.
Tonight I also met Adam. I think there will be more to say about that in the near future.
“…I’m pretty sure that love is the most accepted degree of insanity.”
– D.M.
Writing this is like scratching that itch.
The truth about the Erik situation is that it feels just like the Jorge situation; Desperate, perfect, urgent and meant-to-be, all at the same time. It feels like perfect-supposed-to-happen happiness is right in front of me, and it’s my job to say/do the right thing to make it happen. It’s my puzzle, and failing that puzzle, failing my challenge, results in me losing the person, the...
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Guitar
I got the guitar for my 19th birthday. I finally picked it up today- in my 4th month of being 20. You should have seen the rupture of excitment, as I sat on my bed, freshly printed out sheet music laying in front of me, figuring it all out. On my own.
“I think when you are younger, you get swept away by grand gestures…. When you...”
– Sarah Jessica Parker on Relationships (via siximpossiblethingsforbreakfast)
“The truth is more important than the facts.”
– Frank Lloyd Wright
I’ve started to write at least 10 posts that I’ve inevitably deleted. I guess you call it writer’s block, but I think I call it: Can’t-write-because-now-I-know-people-actually-see-it. Or maybe it’s called: sick-of-typing-the-word-“love”-because-I’m-sick-of-sounding-like-every-other-20-year-old-girl.
But I think it’s really:...
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I like what boys do.
I am only bitter about love because it isn’t working out for me. I love other people’s love. I’m drawn to the electricity we create. I could never survive in a romantic comedy because it’s always the person you least expect, and I expect everybody. I create imaginary relationship montages in my mind (complete with “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” by the Beach Boys...
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A goopy note on that love shit.
I think that love isn’t as rare as we think. That being said, I’ve noticed that there is good love, and bad love. And maybe the point of living is to distinguish the difference and go for the good.
It makes sense because in order to do this, one has to know their self worth, what they want, what they need, and most of all, be able to do what’s best for them even when...
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I am so unfuckingbelievably happy that I am who I am. Being yourself is the best thing you can do.
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The Waiting Game
I’m happy to learn that I’m a good person, really. But how long do good people wait? I’ve been the patient one. Because I’m better at waiting than most. The understanding one. Because I DO understand. Honest because I can be, because it doesn’t always sound better, but it feels better. How long do honest people wait to hear the truth in return? To have something...
“You can’t give up on the things you like so easily.”
– (via tryandfail)
“I just heard thunder and thought of you.”
– E.L.
So, it turns out people read this. How cool is that? The answer is “Very cool.”
Before I worked at the flower shop that I work at now, I worked at a theater. For the total of one month. I hated the job, but looking back, I loved myself at the job. There are times in your life when you look back and realize that you would not do anything differently. I was myself there, I was myself to...
oreoconverse-deactivated2011061 asked: I love everything you have to say. Awesome blog. =)
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Love just doesn’t work out. You have two options: you stay in it forever, or it ends and it hurts. I have to question whether the whole “better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all” cliche is true. I think someone who was going through the end stages of a break up said this. Then a person apprehensive about entering a relationship read it, took it as fact, and...
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I just fell off my dinosaur.
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6 Inch stilettos
The funny thing about uncomfortable shoes is that we can feel them pressing, squeezing,numbing and rubbing off pieces of skin, and yet we tolerate it. The even funnier thing about uncomfortable shoes is that when we try to put them back on after a few minutes of relief, the pain is unbearable. Inexcusable. We wonder how we could have been walking in them just minutes before.
It is amazing what we...
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To the brim
Full of full of full of expectations. My world of “shoulds” was perfect for managing childhood chaos and creating a mechanism to guage when I got out of dysfunctional waters.
However, I’m driving myself crazy. How great would it be to go back to the days when what you had was what it was and that was all?
Let’s see. Right now, my room is a good temperature, things are...
Shapeshifting
I was trying to ask him about acceptance. And how it works. I told him that I’m sick of accepting; because once again I become the person who bites her tongue. The bigger person. He shook his head, and did the dance of dispelling. I love when he does that.
I was trying to understand how to accept without staying the same. How to accept while still having an opinion. How to accept while...
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Pills
There are lots of red flags indicating that something’s wrong. The fact that I can’t hear my thoughts without giving into them. The way that I can’t sit still without feeling guilty. And finally, how I can’t sleep without my favorite little blue tylenol pm. 2, with a swig of water. I’m worried and thinking about everything, but I’ve been doing it so long that...
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8:59
And just like that, the heartache was gone; I was swimming in dreams
Ignite.
I just had to run-crawl up the stairs because A) I was in a hurry and B) My calves feel like sore cantaloupes from doing the row machine for the first time with reckless speed. My heart is beating so fast right now, I can’t even type what I want to say because it’s so intangible. I know with all certainty right now that my life is going to be HUGE. There’s a fear in me that it...
“I secretly love crying to music.”
– N.S.
And it swings back and forth.
It swings back and forth, and everywhere in between. Waking up has been the worst, along with driving. Standing in Whole Foods was bad too. Crying in public places in general has been an adjustment. One minute the world is ending and I’ve lost the best thing I’ll ever have. (Swing) The next is a numb paralysis. (Swing) Then walking tall and singing Cake’s version of “I Will...
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The Morning After
I was hoping each day would feel a little better, and maybe it does. Quite frankly this morning feels like shit. It’s like something has really changed. I’m not so much feeling it as I am sensing it right now. This morning feels SO weird. My room looks completely different and unfamiliar, last night seemed endless, and when my alarm went off this morning I didn’t even care. How...
“It took me over three years AFTER the relationship ended to realize I was...”
– Blog Post at 1:35 on 4/4/2011
It circles around
“Don’t they know that the AMAZING Dylan Mierzwinski is present?” “The one and only, greatest beauty of them all.” Things he wrote me. I’ve googled “How to get over a break up” and similar combinations of words. I keep hoping they will say something different, but I already know to not sleep with him, to not drink myself to death, to remind myself...
All it takes is a glimmer
Brooks called. He took my call exactly as I intended (thank god) and he said he’ll always have a soft spot for me but the feelings are gone. He’s 100% in love with Beth Ann. The call hit me like a line of coke, a shot of heroin, a car accident’s rush of adrenaline. I shook, I cried, I felt hopeless and desperate. I wrote about it, wrote angry dramatic statements deeming myself...
