My dad says with thick conviction “Well, just know you’re exactly where you should be.”
Should.SHOULD. I fucking hate that word. It is that word that has a leash around my neck.
I have not been eating as much lately. But I also have not been eating that little. I had been out of sleeping pills for awhile so I had been out of sleep. I restocked today. I also saw Brooks today. The funny thing about being exactly where you should is it hurts like hell. My dad takes a bite while I finish up a sentence about the media or what it’ll be like when I’m thirty or something. “What helped me,” he takes a drink of his orange juice, “was throwing away my crystal ball. Of course you have to plan ahead for the future, but you can’t stay there. Sure, I worry about graduating, getting another job, bills, blah blah blah, but then I realize that all I can do right now is go to class, do my homework and maybe I’ll get there.” He looks at me waiting for a response. Maybe he wasn’t. “I get what you’re saying, Dad, but the only thing more painful worrying about my future is being right where I am.” He talks about pain and how it instigates powerful growth. He says this and I picture the bones in my legs stretching.
I guess I believed everyone. I believed movies and families at bowling allies. I believed that people were having fun.