April 2011
57 posts
(Applause)
My dad says with thick conviction “Well, just know you’re exactly where you should be.”
Should.Should.should.Should.SHOULD. I fucking hate that word. It is that word that has a leash around my neck.
I have not been eating as much lately. But I also have not been eating that little. I had been out of sleeping pills for awhile so I had been out of sleep. I restocked today. I also...
March 2011
14 posts
Mango juice running down; sticky
I think the feeling is “stuck.” I feel like the ground beneath me is always warm from being immobile, like when you’re in bed and keep moving your legs to colder places, only to find they’re all warm. I want to feel something cold inside of me, something refreshing. I want to cry so deeply that my insides shake. I want to laugh until I ache, I want to eat fresh mangoes and...
Breeze
All I want is bones and crevices. I want to be rail thin - “heroin chic”, I learned that’s what it’s called - I want to wear baggy clothes that sweep across the dips and curves of my smooth and fragile body. I want pointy sharp shoulders and gazelle like legs that don’t touch. The kind that look like they could break just by standing. I want long hair that drapes over...
The Crux
In Michele’s life skills classes that she took in her twentys, one of the things she had to do was to boil down her issues to the one thing that was fueling all of them; the crux. Hers was “I don’t exist.” I sat on her bed and told her about my sleepless night last night, I told her about how I anticipate all the confrontations that I fear will happen. “Do you feel a...
Morning panic
Michele woke me up this morning at ten asking if I was going to class today. I forgot to set my alarm. I laid there for awhile, got up and went to the bathroom and immediately wanted to go downstairs and dive into the food. For one thing, it’s breakfast time right? Plus, I think part of me knows that now no one is home and I would have the peace an quiet of a binger’s dream. I’m...
Size 14
All of my beliefs of what it is to be thin come from the images I see in the media. Thin people are clean and fresh, confident, successful, respected and worthy. How often I forget that ALL of those images are from places that I can touch and crumple with my hands. Magazines, advertisements, commercials…they’re all inanimate objects. I wonder how many target commercials it took before...
“You can never get enough of what you don’t really need.”
– Eric Hoffer
The beginning
On July 3rd of 2010 I quit medical weight loss. That’s the day that I’ve deemed “The Day I Quit Dieting.” My aunt had handed me a book called “Breaking Free from Emotional Eating” by Geneen Roth, and I’m pretty sure it’s the first time I had considered my eating being the problem and the issues fueling the eating…not my weight. Even then...
