I have been skipping meals again. When I was 15 I had a problem with anorexia, losing over 80 pounds in 3 months. I just wanted you to know that your video stopped me from letting myself get back to that. I'm 20 years old now, and I still have a problem with eating. But I will make myself keep watching "This Must End" until those feelings go away. You saved me from myself. Thank you dear.
Oh my god. I’m literally just sitting here staring at the screen. Thank you for this message, but most of all, thank you for watching the video and not pushing it away. I find that when we’re up to our eyeballs in compulsion and bad habits, we’ll often push away the hand that might lend some help. Please check in again, and know that anything you could ever need in life is already within you, honey.
I think if I were to be honest with Luke it would sound something like this:
"Hi Luke, Eric was safer and I was scared of you and what Christine would think and if you were going to go crazy. Standing here now, I know it’s so wrong but I feel like saying "okay, game’s over. You can have me." But the logistics don’t quite line up. For one, you have a girlfriend, which is stupid, and no car, which seems to be a trend with guys for me. I pushed you away so hard because I didn’t know how to do anything else. What part of this don’t you understand? Now that you’ve stepped back can you see how stupid I am? How selfish and manipulative I can be? I think it’s out of fear of wanting everything, and wanting nothing, and having some. Now that you’re at a safe distance I can say that I miss you, and love you, and no one makes me laugh like you, and no one is as special as you, and if this were a movie, a song would be playing in the background and you’d be thinking about me,too, and we’d work our way back to each other. And I’m sure an airport would be involved because one always is. However, life isn’t afraid to let perfect people walk away from each other, or in our case, an original, imaginative, piercing, wonderful you, away from me. I feel bad about what our ending looked like, but it happend, and you did it, and I did it, and I guess we’ll see."
Today is the fourth day of eating as a vegan. The decision came out of nowhere and my mind was surprisingly calm about it. Could I, the girl who has married, divorced, cheated on and cheated with food her whole life, set a parameter for what I would/should/could eat? (Without driving myself crazy?) Traditionally, telling myself “no”, even when it’s for my own good, awakens a subconscious rebel inside of me. I hate brussels sprouts, but you better believe that the minute I say “I can’t eat brussels sprouts” my mind starts turning and telling me that I want them. My mind doesn’t do well with boundaries. So, four days ago, when I looked at the lifestyle that I had always dismissed as impossible, and wasn’t greeted with immediate disapproval, at the very least I was interested. Could I be a vegan?
In the past I’ve had very black and white thinking. I was either 100% dieting, or 100% not. On or off. But this time, I was very reasonable with myself. If I ended up really wanting meat or cheese, I would eat it. If I ended up hating the lifestyle, I would stop doing it. So at day four, I feel fine. And for once, I don’t “miss” food.
That being said, everything else seems to be askew. Geneen Roth has written that she believes that how we eat, how we spend, and the “crazy” habits we have, are all microcosms and expressions of our deepest beliefs. So although eating emotionally was driving me crazy, it aligned with my subconscious beliefs, creating a comfort zone inside of my compulsion. So now that I’ve started eating in a way that is aligned with beliefs of wholesomeness, trusting my body (for signals of hunger and satiety), believing I’m worth the quality of food I’m putting in my body, etc, it has set my set of inner beliefs and motivations askew.
To put it lightly, I’m in identity and/or spiritual crisis mode. I’ve never been religious; more superstitious if anything. But I’ve always believed in self-creation. That we have to make the lives we want. And it’s just now hitting me that the way that I eat and the way that I act around money represents that “take what you want” lifestyle. The hiding of food, the stealing of money, the taking of what I thought I deserved over what I actually wanted or needed at the time. And as my eating has so conveniently shown, compulsively listening to your mind and collecting anything you can get doesn’t do it. Because when it comes down to it, although we have a lot of responsibility in our lives, we just can’t do it all.
So it’s all coming back to the surface. The confrontation of beliefs that have been written for me from birth. The beliefs that present themselves as bad habits and the beliefs that I thought were fueling my success may only be fueling my unnecessary neuroticism.
It’s the most vicious cycle I’ve ever known. A knotted and tangled cord that leads back to itself. Is it fulfillment? Happiness? A matter of setting goals? Visualizing them into existence? Is it spending too much time in my head? Or not enough? Do I know what I want or do I just think I know? Is there a difference? What in the hell matters anyway?
Is it creation or destiny? Paths and decisions and energy emission arguing against each other. They say our reality is constructed from unconscious beliefs and programming - and if that’s true, then do we even stand a chance?
Is it a matter of becoming more informed or remaining inspired?
Is it minute-to-minute instant gratification or sacrificing for the bigger picture fulfillment? Why is no one else paralyzed by contradiction? Because I’m just as shallow as everyone else- wanting money, fame, and beauty. But is that just because the grass is greener? Or is it my gut keeping me hungry to keep me moving towards my potential? Or will I get those things and be standing in the same place?
Is it little things or grand gestures? Sprints or marathons?
WHY IS NO ONE ELSE’S HEAD EXPLODING?
What is enough? What if anticipation is as good as it gets? What do I really love: reading in bed or paychecks? DO I trust myself to get myself there on day-to-day cruise control, saying “my body knows best, I will follow the gut feelings” or is success just a game built on correct moves? The Savvy surviving. The savvy getting it all.
How much of what matters is me? How much is everything else?
So to this woman, whom I’d known for about an hour, I told her about you. About how if lists were made, your attributes would be on them, how on paper you would be drawn with magnificence and admiration. How place and time were askew, causing a weird disconnect.
To which she replied, “If he were really what you wanted, you would have fallen in love with him.”
And I was reminded all over again, that I really don’t know what I want. How lists, and how things look and sound have nothing to do with how they feel.
“When I’m dying I don’t think I’ll care much about the size of my house (or even if I owned one), the make and model of my car, or even how nicely I was able to dress my children. I’ll care a lot more about who I am and who Dave is, who we helped each other become and how we got there. I’ll care about what we tried just because we loved it and how many times we were able to bankrupt ourselves traveling (that’s the only thing I’d ever totally and completely bankrupt myself for, but that’s another post). I’ll care about whether or not we took the risks our dreams required, whether we were willing to put it all on the line for something we believed in. When I looked at it that way, I couldn’t bear to walk the safe road just for the sake of safety any longer.”—Sarah Winfrey. Because I’m standing in the middle of my dream, potential everywhere, and I’m terrified.
Should I continue living my bitch life, which I am not happy with either, im not happy being criticized, or constantly being accused of being some horrible human being just because I speak my opinion whether it is hurtful or not, but I have learned to accept it, & the sad part is that I have been okay with being called a bitch on a daily basis, I simply smile & agree with the person tht is calling me a bitch now.
I want you to know that I’m not saying this to accuse you, put you on the defense, blame you, or upset you- but I want you to notice that you told me that you don’t mind speaking your mind even if that means offending someone, then told me about someone who told you their opinion, which greatly pained you. That’s just something to keep in mind. However, about your main question, I think you’re basing both of your choices off of what other people will say/think. If you continue to be a “bitch” then you’ll hear criticism and accusations. If you stop, then you’ll seemingly stop hearing those things. But both of those are outside sources influencing who you are internally. What do YOU think about being or not being a bitch? You did mention that you’re not happy living a “bitch life” so I think you should think about that. I know that sometimes (especially in high school) it’s easy to feel comfortable in labels that people give us because it gives us an identity to live up to. It gives us recognition in a place where at one point we felt we had none. For example, throughout middle and early high school, people knew me as the “loud and crazy” girl. So I lived up to it. I’d do outrageous things and speak really loudly..etc. I told myself that they were accepting who I was and that I was therefore letting that show. But in reality, I’m not THAT wild or crazy. I definitely have a bold personality and big sense of humor, but I’m actually pretty introverted. People drain me and I don’t like being the center of attention in big crowds. I held up my status though because it was the only one I had. If I wasn’t the loud and crazy girl, then who was I? In being loud and crazy I got to say “I’m here world! Pay attention to me! I’m so fucking starved for love.” (Moral of the story, I didn’t need to be that girl to be accepted or loved) In your case, people have recognized you as the bitchy girl. The question is, which came first? The label or the trait? I don’t know enough about you to tell you that how you say things and what you say is wrong. What I do know, is that whenever I’m feeling bitchy and wanting to shut people down and prove them wrong, put them in their place, etc, my mom usually steps in with her favorite motto: Is it more important to be happy or to be right? Now, at first I would hear that and say “well I’d be happy if I was right” but that’s really not the case. I’ve found (mind you I’m only two years into my psych degree so my opinion could be totally wrong) that people (including myself at times) that feel the need to lay down their “honest” (but completely brutal and abrasive) opinion, are doing so out of a place of insecurity. What are you hoping to do when you tell someone your opinion? What makes it so important for you to say it to them? Do you feel better afterwards? Is it a defense mechanism to keep people at a distance?
If you want my biased and belief based opinion, then I would tell you that I believe so so much in honesty. But I also believe in timing. If I wanted to, I could go around telling every 15 year old girl that gave birth because she didn’t use protection that I’m ashamed to watch he yank her child by the arm and tell him to “shut up” when he’s trying to talk to her. I would call out all the bad parenting I see around me. But the thing is, is me saying that to them isn’t going to change anything. There’s a quote that goes “Do not speak unless you can improve on the silence”, and I think calling people out on their choices (unless it’s a close friend who’s asking for my opinion) does nothing but breed hostility. So in relating this to you, I’m wondering if you’ve taken on this bitch role to not only have a face in the crowd, but to show people that you have a voice. It isn’t really your opinion you’re trying to say to them, it’s the message of “hey, I’m right here! I matter!” And it makes sense, because you DO matter. You’re SO important. And if there was anytime to state your opinion, then when that guy said “If you weren’t so fat/a bitch then you could get a boyfriend” it would have been that moment to say “if you weren’t so shallow and repulsive then you might be able to get my respect.” You have to pick and choose your battles. Pick the ones that get you further. Say the things you’re REALLY trying to say. Be who you really are.
Do you believe that you should do what makes YOU happy in life?
It’s funny you should ask, because that happens to be the thing I believe in most. But it goes further than just making yourself happy. I believe in being exactly and unapologetically who you are. It’s making sometimes difficult decisions because despite what others think/say/do, you know whats best for you. It’s recognizing the vast range of who you are and letting that flow naturally. Somedays I listen to opera, and the next it’s underground hip hop…although the pieces of who I am seem to clash on paper, how things look on paper doesn’t constitue how they are. We are IRRATIONAL creatures, and all of the logic in the world can’t shake gut feelings. It’s believing that you are the most important person in your world, and even more than that it’s realizing that everything you need to know is already inside of you. Being yourself takes the guess work out of life. It takes time to ignore your mind when it says “cedar point is fun, you should go!” when the smaller voice coming from your core gives you the feeling of wanting to stay home. Ever notice how you can make arguments for both sides of something, but something deeper in you stays unswayed? You can’t argue with your heart and being, because it just IS. It’s understanding that you do no one justice by holding yourself back. That being yourself can mean feeling lonely, sad, and grumpy. But that it also means feeling happy, connected, and knowing what your own voice sounds like. It takes time, and it’s easy to get distracted (hello diet industry, self help books, jersey shore, and drugs) but being able to look back on your life knowing that all the choices you made came from a place that is real, in turn brings the greatest happiness. You’re going to make mistakes, celebrate accomplishments, change your mind, and be fearful of irrational things regardless of what path you take, so you might as well make the mistakes and celebrate the things that resonate with exactly who you are.